Tears of a Raven: Trying to Break Through

I am going to try experimenting with "train of thought" writing. It's supposed to be a good exercise for writers. It may come across as babbling incoherencies at times, but at least I'm putting words into written form. And that's all I can hope to do at this point. Yes?

Where to start? My depression has been getting worse, usually at night. Could quite possibly be Seasonal Affective Disorder. Yes, I talked to my psychiatrist and he increased the dosage of my antidepressant. But until that kicks in, I just want to cry. 

Life feels like it's so full of "NEVER" right now. I'll never be an actress like I had wanted. I'll never be a dancer like I had wanted. I'll never be a writer and/or poet like I had wanted. I've had Writer's Block for probably 10 years now? I don't think I've written anything worthwhile since I had my heart attack in February, 2009. And I don't know how to break out of this, or if I even can. I can journal well enough, I suppose. But that is not the same as writing a story or a poem or even an interesting blog entry. And I really would love to produce an interesting, coherent blog that people would actually enjoy reading. Good luck to me.

I have a name stuck in my head. Raven Anjelica Addams-Crowley. I've used this name for quite a few of my tabletop RPG characters. And, honestly, if I could change my legal name to this I would. It's not truly original, but it suits me. I am Raven. I've always loved the Addams Family. Especially the original '60s TV show, though I also loved Raoul Julia and Angelica Huston as Gomez and Morticia. I've long said that I should have been an Addams. As for Crowley, yes I'm referencing him. Aleister Crowley. It's odd really. I'm fascinated with him, but I really can't sit and read any of his writings. In the one recording I've actually heard of his voice he sounds mesmerizing, though I have no idea what he was chanting. 

I am also Rere, but that's another story.**

Raven most often is a Sluagh, my favorite race. While I don't play Changeling: The Dreaming at this time, they have my favorite version of the Sluagh. I adore the Sluagh. And I'm quite certain there was one living in the house I grew up in. Convince me otherwise. I never saw him/her, but I felt his/her presence, if that makes sense. There was always an eeriness to our basement and upper floor. The house was quite old. My family lived in the entirety of the first floor while there were 2 apartments upstairs that we rented out. Whenever I was upstairs alone, and even sometimes when I wasn't alone, it always felt so eerie. That's the best word I can think of right now to describe it. But I digress. Through stubborn perseverance, I managed to find a d20 write-up based on the CtD version. (I realize that this makes no sense to non-gamers. Apologies.) 

My gaming group is my family. Convenient, huh? We use our own house rules and use various 3rd party sources. We tend to use templates on our characters, which just add a little something extra. My favorite template is Fetch. A Fetch is someone who is a half-ghost. There are a few ways that this can happen. Most often I use the story that my character died in the womb (various reasons) and somehow came back to life. Usually that's done by magic or divine intervention, though it could just as well remain a mystery. However, lately, I've traded Fetch in for Half-Lich. Yes, that is possible if the Lich in question has prepared ahead of time. There is an NPC Lich that I always use in this case. His name is BlackThorn, and he looks like Rob Zombie. I use a slightly different name for my character in this case. Raven BlackWing.

So my current character is Raven BlackWing, the daughter of a currently unnamed Sluagh and BlackThorn the Lich.

I like putting pictures in my character write-ups. My current image for Raven is from this DeviantArt page.

Originally I was going to use one of their fanart pics of Lydia Deetz from Beetlejuice but then I saw this image, which I like very much. 

I want to write a story about Raven, any version of her. Perhaps a bio, or an "autobiography"? I did have one idea floating in my head the other night which incorporated an extremely fictionalized version of my own past into Raven's past. Maybe. I still need to think.

**Rere. Pronounced ree-ree. Short for Rerelato Momolato. Rere is a Lalafell, my main character on Final Fantasy XIV (FFXIV). 

He's very important to me. I've invested so much of myself in this little guy. He's a part of my heart and soul. But my depression is causing me issues. I just can't find the motivation to play FFXIV. I wish I could get passed that. I used to play for hours, every day. Then… shit happened. And I was involuntarily away from the game for nearly 2 years. And it's killing me that I can't play like I used to. I want to break through this. I want to get back to how I used to be. I want to cry.

My son plays many video games, including FFXIV. And he makes everything look so easy. He can instantly pick up any class and know what he's doing. I feel so inferior compared to him. I can only play a few classes, and I'm nowhere near his level of skill. I wish I was like him. He can tank, he can heal and he can play any DPS that he chooses. I can't tank at all. I can heal lower-level dungeons only. And I can play a limited amount of DPS. Rere used to main Black Mage but it overwhelms me now. So I switched Rere to Dancer. I really wish that I could do more with him.

So now I'm thinking about writing up a d20 version of Rere. There's a Final Fantasy d20 game, so that's not a problem as far as being a Lalafell goes. I don't want to use any of the Final Fantasy classes though. I'm not sure what class to make him. I do know that I want him to be able to shape bone. But that's just a little extra quirk. I can see him with a scythe. Granted it would be a small one. Rere is less than 3 feet tall. In my own head cannon for him, he's actually small by Lalafell standards.

And queue my depression telling me that this won't work. I don't think that I've ever mentioned that I also have OCD. I keep blaming everything on my depression, but I'm certain that the OCD isn't helping. Obsessive negative thoughts are a <beep>. 

This is what I deal with. The self-doubt. Feeling like things won't ever work. *Trigger deep sigh and try to hold back tears.* I don't know what to do anymore. I'm my own worst enemy.