The Raven's Song

Today is the anniversary of my mom's death and I have so many mixed emotions. Of course I loved my mom. But if she wasn't my mom and was just some woman that I met, I wouldn't have liked her. She was racist and homophobic. And she was abusive. I have so many stories I could tell. I really don't know what to feel or think right now. I've posted before about certain family members making me feel like I wasn't good enough. My mom was one of them. She was extremely controlling, even when I was in high school. I never got to be "myself". I had to be what she wanted me to be. Or at least attempt to be what she wanted. I couldn't rebel because in my high school years she was dying of cancer. Rebelling would have made things worse for her. I never told my Dad how my mom abused me. She would smack me when I did something wrong or said the wrong thing. Once she hit me with my hairbrush. And she didn't care if there were people around. Like I said, I have

  February, or at least the first half of it, has been bad for me for quite some time. Some of it deals with my ex-husband. I suppose it's due to the trauma he put me through, but I'm a little fuzzy on dates here. Either his birthday is February 2nd and our anniversary was the 7th, or vice versa. I'm also extremely fuzzy when it comes to our divorce. I'm pretty sure it was in October. I know it was late in the year. But that's another story. Then there's February 9th – the date I had my heart attack in 2009. That date I'm certain of. I'm still fuzzy on the other 2 aforementioned dates. Which brings us to February 12. That's the date my mother died, 5 minutes before Friday the 13th. She almost made it to her and Dad's wedding anniversary on the 15th. February sucks, and so does cancer.

 I'm trying really hard to deal with my anxiety and depression. Sometimes these things are triggered for me and sometimes they just hit me for no reason. My feelings of inferiority start coming in, or I start worrying about what *could* happen. Sometimes I start thinking about what I *should've* done in this or that situation. Yes, I get the all-dreaded "coulda, woulda, shoulda". At other times I do the equally dreaded "comparing myself to others", be that other gamers, others of my chosen Spiritual path, other writers... I blame my past. I blame certain family members, most of my schoolmates, my ex-husband. Anyone who has known me long enough knows that I'm emotionally scarred by these people. I've certainly talked about it enough. Comparing myself to other writers is a problem... Yes, I know. Don't do that. I can't help be in awe, though, at how prolific some of these writers are. And I can't help but wish that I could be as prolific wi