Something Isn't Right With Raven

I don't suppose I'll ever post to this blog on any sort of regular basis or have any sort of theme. Mostly I seem to ramble. Such is life.

I don't know what is wrong with me right now. My anxiety and depression seem to be worsening over time instead of getting better. I think I can explain the depression. I also have SAD and together they are a pain to deal with. This should lessen with the coming of spring, though. The anxiety, on the other hand, I can't explain. As I said, I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel extremely stressed and overwhelmed. My "fight or flight" syndrome is working overtime, with the answer always being flight.

I used to live alone. I was fine except for some OCD about making sure the oven and burners were turned off and the door was locked. Now I get panic attacks if I'm alone, or even if I just feel alone. For example, as of this writing... My son is in his room asleep and my husband has gone to the grocery store. I feel like I'm home alone even though I'm technically not. And here comes the anxiety. At least I have the cats with me, sleeping on the bed next to me.

I panic at the thought of someone from the office or maintenance showing up at the door. I don't know why. I think it has something to do with our last landlady. I panic that they'll find some kind of lease violation to put in our file. I'm petrified of being homeless again.

I get anxious when there's a lot of people outside making a lot of noise. Adults, kids... it doesn't matter. Speaking of kids, why do they always have to scream?

I didn't use to be this way. I didn't. And I don't know why I'm this way now. I wish I had some answers.

Then there's the depression/SAD. I can't seem to do anything lately. I can't just sit and read. Believe me, I've tried. I can't play my favorite (er, my only) video game. I can't bring myself to pull a Tarot or Oracle card. I almost pulled one earlier but I couldn't. It would seem forced and invalid if I did. Earlier I sat here on my bed, just sat here, doing literally nothing. I have tried to meditate to no avail. I don't feel like listening to music, not even my beloved Takanori Nishikawa. I feel so blah.

I need to talk to my therapist and psychiatrist. Something isn't right with me.

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