The Raven's Song

I wonder how many people have abandoned their New Year's resolutions already... I'll be honest here - I haven't done very well. One particular resolution, which will remain private, has been broken already. The rest of my resolutions haven't even gotten started yet. I'm giving myself a week to get started before I really start kicking myself over this. I want to post to my blog on a somewhat regular basis. This means, of course, breaking through this writer's block and coming up with interesting things to write about. This may be my most difficult resolution to keep. I want to write. I really do. I know that deep inside myself I am a writer. I just haven't been the same since I had my heart attack in 2009. It took my creativity away and I don't know how to get it back. This is why I thought I would blog. I thought this blog could be a sounding board of sorts for me.  Another resolution involves taking ALL of my meds. I am horrible at using my inhaler. I ...

This is personal and embarrassing and this makes me highly uncomfortable but I need to write this out anyway. Whether or not I publish this... I'm not sure yet. Might as well be blunt. I need a breast reduction for medical reasons. But surgeons don't like taking Medicaid for such things because, to be honest, they can charge more for other insurances and people who pay upfront. So I'm having no luck finding a surgeon who would be willing to help me. My PCP's office is trying to help me. They are working with Medicaid to see if they can find any surgeon will to do this. I'm so sick of this. I have constant back pain. This really is a medical necessity for me but the damned surgeons are just so greedy. All they care about is how much money they can make instead of worrying about actually helping someone in need. I really don't know what to do anymore. I had briefly thought about a GFM but I decided against it. I don't even know how much the surgery would cost....

Is there such a thing as starting your Craft over? I need to back up and refresh myself. My Practice has been so disrupted for so long that I'm not feeling like I'm getting anywhere. Part of this disruption is due to a number of circumstances beyond my control. Part of this is due to my health, both physical and mental. And part of this, I would assume, is due to my Catholic upbringing. I've called myself Pagan, Wiccan and a Witch for decades but I still feel like a novice. I don't feel like the Crone that I should be at my age. I got the Calling in the mid 80s. I had one mentor and one book. The internet wasn't a thing then and books were hard to come by where I lived. I no longer have that mentor but I have many books. Plus I have the internet and my many Witchy friends online. I have a wonderful support system, but I still feel like an imposter. I don't connect with my Deities the way that I feel like I should. I should clarify that I have this horrible habit...

 Where do I even begin? I've tried writing this before but the words just don't want to flow. I don't even have a subject to write about. I don't want to write about my hospital stay or my heart attack. Twitter already knows all about that. So does Hiero. So what do I write about? I've written about haunted houses that I've been in. I've written about my lack of self-confidence and self-esteem. I'm at a loss here. I haven't been following my practice. I haven't been praying or meditating. I haven't been making offerings. I feel so bad about this. I don't even know what to offer. Given my current circumstances I don't know if I can meditate. I'm going to try though. I have to do something to get back into things. Otherwise I'll start getting imposter syndrome really bad. The speakers on my laptop don't work now. And my headphones aren't reliable anymore. So that makes things difficult as well. There's always my phon...

 All of my life, ever since I was a child, I've lacked self-confidence and self-esteem. I never felt like I was good enough. Why? Certain family members, for one thing. They never seemed to believe in me. My mother was so controlling that I rarely got to make decisions for myself. Some of my other relatives were just as bad for my self-esteem. Nothing I did seemed good enough. Or, at least, that's how it came across to me. For another thing, the other kids at school. I never fit in with any of my classmates. I was the one who was made fun of, teased for any little thing. I was always picked on. They never gave me a chance. Knowing what I know now, I wish I could live that time over again and be a different person. I would just be quiet. I wouldn't say anything stupid. I would just... I don't know. But I wouldn't be the "me" that was.  This has spilled over into my adult life. I still feel like the misfit. I haven't talked to any of my family in years. ...

Have you ever been in a haunted house? I mean a real one, not the amusement ones. I have. The second time I was in a haunted house was terrifying. I'll save that story for last. The third one involved a house that a lady I knew was renovating. JoAnn was the mother of my then-boyfriend, Mike. I'll tell that story first. I was visiting with JoAnn while she was working on this house when she had to run an errand. I stayed behind with her dogs. To be honest, that house always seemed a little spooky to me. I always sensed that there was something there. I was sitting downstairs when I heard footsteps upstairs. Like I said, I was there alone with the dogs. You'd best believe that I got out of the house fast, taking the dogs out to the yard with me. When JoAnn returned I told her what had happened. Her response? "Oh that was probably…" and she proceeded to tell me about the man who used to live there. I think she said he died in that house. Apparently she used to know hi...

 So many things are happening at once and it's all put me back on my Path. I'm so happy! I'm making progress! First off, I received the Calling from Thoth. I firmly believe that it's because of Him that I'm writing again. After so much writer's block I ended up writing two poems in a week. That may not seem like much to some people but for me this is progress.  Speaking of Path progress, I cast a candle magick spell yesterday. I hadn't practiced my Craft in so long. I was nervous, and rusty, but I did it. I lit a blue chime candle with the purpose of healing my soul. As an offering to Thoth I read one of my new poems. I could feel and sense little motes of energy surround me, healing me! Also! I have made a new friend who has already helped me a lot on my Path. Perhaps I have found a Sensei? We'd known each other online but we finally met in person last week. After just one meeting I feel like I've known him forever. We have so much in common! I feel...