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To Sleep, Perchance to Dream...

Last night I had a very strange dream. I was in my old hometown, walking with someone I can't remember. I think it was supposed to be either my husband or our son. Anyway, I wanted to walk past my Grandma's old house. (Grandma died many decades ago.) We saw that it was all fixed up and didn't look much like I remembered it. It was painted white and had 3 stories plus an attic. Grandma's house was single-story, so I wondered about the extra stories. I saw some people from my high school going in and out of the house so I asked if I could see what changes had been made.  Inside the house was a completely different floorplan than what I remembered. It seemed dimensional inside, much bigger than it looked from the outside. As I walked through the house I was telling people about how I remembered the house looking. And then I saw my Aunt Vivian sitting in a chair where Grandma always sat.  This is where I'm confused. Yes, here. Let me explain. It used to be that whenever
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Something Isn't Right With Raven

I don't suppose I'll ever post to this blog on any sort of regular basis or have any sort of theme. Mostly I seem to ramble. Such is life. I don't know what is wrong with me right now. My anxiety and depression seem to be worsening over time instead of getting better. I think I can explain the depression. I also have SAD and together they are a pain to deal with. This should lessen with the coming of spring, though. The anxiety, on the other hand, I can't explain. As I said, I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel extremely stressed and overwhelmed. My "fight or flight" syndrome is working overtime, with the answer always being flight. I used to live alone. I was fine except for some OCD about making sure the oven and burners were turned off and the door was locked. Now I get panic attacks if I'm alone, or even if I just feel alone. For example, as of this writing... My son is in his room asleep and my husband has gone to the grocery store. I fee
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Raven's Mom... Part 1

Today is the anniversary of my mom's death and I have so many mixed emotions. Of course I loved my mom. But if she wasn't my mom and was just some woman that I met, I wouldn't have liked her. She was racist and homophobic. And she was abusive. I have so many stories I could tell. I really don't know what to feel or think right now. I've posted before about certain family members making me feel like I wasn't good enough. My mom was one of them. She was extremely controlling, even when I was in high school. I never got to be "myself". I had to be what she wanted me to be. Or at least attempt to be what she wanted. I couldn't rebel because in my high school years she was dying of cancer. Rebelling would have made things worse for her. I never told my Dad how my mom abused me. She would smack me when I did something wrong or said the wrong thing. Once she hit me with my hairbrush. And she didn't care if there were people around. Like I said, I have
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Why Raven Hates February

  February, or at least the first half of it, has been bad for me for quite some time. Some of it deals with my ex-husband. I suppose it's due to the trauma he put me through, but I'm a little fuzzy on dates here. Either his birthday is February 2nd and our anniversary was the 7th, or vice versa. I'm also extremely fuzzy when it comes to our divorce. I'm pretty sure it was in October. I know it was late in the year. But that's another story. Then there's February 9th – the date I had my heart attack in 2009. That date I'm certain of. I'm still fuzzy on the other 2 aforementioned dates. Which brings us to February 12. That's the date my mother died, 5 minutes before Friday the 13th. She almost made it to her and Dad's wedding anniversary on the 15th. February sucks, and so does cancer.
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More Raven Ramblings - Probably Repetitive

 I'm trying really hard to deal with my anxiety and depression. Sometimes these things are triggered for me and sometimes they just hit me for no reason. My feelings of inferiority start coming in, or I start worrying about what *could* happen. Sometimes I start thinking about what I *should've* done in this or that situation. Yes, I get the all-dreaded "coulda, woulda, shoulda". At other times I do the equally dreaded "comparing myself to others", be that other gamers, others of my chosen Spiritual path, other writers... I blame my past. I blame certain family members, most of my schoolmates, my ex-husband. Anyone who has known me long enough knows that I'm emotionally scarred by these people. I've certainly talked about it enough. Comparing myself to other writers is a problem... Yes, I know. Don't do that. I can't help be in awe, though, at how prolific some of these writers are. And I can't help but wish that I could be as prolific wi
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Raven's Offering to Thoth

 I've always been at a loss as what to offer Thoth, but now I think I have a good idea of what to offer Him: my ttrpg character. Someone told me that He likes to be included in things, and one of my greatest joys is playing ttrpgs such as Dungeons & Dragons or Palladium. So why not dedicate my character to Him? It's something that would definitely be coming from my heart. I put a lot of myself, or rather, a lot of my ideal self, into this character. Her name is Lilith Angelica Addams, aka Lily aka Lily-Angel. I picked this name because many years ago I wanted to change my name to Lilith Angelica, and my nickname used to be Lily. As for the Addams surname... I've always felt like I should be part of the Addams Family. I've fictionalized my own history for her story. (As a side note here, we're using the Palladium system for this campaign.) Lily is a teenager who is just discovering that she is a Witch. I really think this campaign will be a lot of fun, if we can
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A Raven's Strange Dream about Her Dad

 I've been having strange feelings today and I don't know what to make of them. It's all because of a dream I had and not knowing what it may have been trying to tell me. Let me preface this by saying that my Dad died many years ago. My mom died 10 years before him, and I have no siblings. My Dad was everything to me. I was completely devastated when he passed, as I was the one to find him in the backyard.  In my dream, Dad had disappeared. Apparently he knew his time was coming and he had wandered off. I'm not sure how long he was missing, nor do I know why there wasn't a search before this. I kept asking the police to help me find him. Either he was still alive somewhere or I needed to find his body to give him a proper burial. It was a very strange and disturbing dream - not knowing if my Dad was dead or alive, not knowing where he was. Now since waking up, I can't stop feeling the same emotions that I had in my dream. The whole "Is he out there somewher
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