The Raven's Song

Last night I had a very strange dream. I was in my old hometown, walking with someone I can't remember. I think it was supposed to be either my husband or our son. Anyway, I wanted to walk past my Grandma's old house. (Grandma died many decades ago.) We saw that it was all fixed up and didn't look much like I remembered it. It was painted white and had 3 stories plus an attic. Grandma's house was single-story, so I wondered about the extra stories. I saw some people from my high school going in and out of the house so I asked if I could see what changes had been made.  Inside the house was a completely different floorplan than what I remembered. It seemed dimensional inside, much bigger than it looked from the outside. As I walked through the house I was telling people about how I remembered the house looking. And then I saw my Aunt Vivian sitting in a chair where Grandma always sat.  This is where I'm confused. Yes, here. Let me explain. It used to be that whenever...

I don't suppose I'll ever post to this blog on any sort of regular basis or have any sort of theme. Mostly I seem to ramble. Such is life. I don't know what is wrong with me right now. My anxiety and depression seem to be worsening over time instead of getting better. I think I can explain the depression. I also have SAD and together they are a pain to deal with. This should lessen with the coming of spring, though. The anxiety, on the other hand, I can't explain. As I said, I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel extremely stressed and overwhelmed. My "fight or flight" syndrome is working overtime, with the answer always being flight. I used to live alone. I was fine except for some OCD about making sure the oven and burners were turned off and the door was locked. Now I get panic attacks if I'm alone, or even if I just feel alone. For example, as of this writing... My son is in his room asleep and my husband has gone to the grocery store. I fee...

Today is the anniversary of my mom's death and I have so many mixed emotions. Of course I loved my mom. But if she wasn't my mom and was just some woman that I met, I wouldn't have liked her. She was racist and homophobic. And she was abusive. I have so many stories I could tell. I really don't know what to feel or think right now. I've posted before about certain family members making me feel like I wasn't good enough. My mom was one of them. She was extremely controlling, even when I was in high school. I never got to be "myself". I had to be what she wanted me to be. Or at least attempt to be what she wanted. I couldn't rebel because in my high school years she was dying of cancer. Rebelling would have made things worse for her. I never told my Dad how my mom abused me. She would smack me when I did something wrong or said the wrong thing. Once she hit me with my hairbrush. And she didn't care if there were people around. Like I said, I have...

  February, or at least the first half of it, has been bad for me for quite some time. Some of it deals with my ex-husband. I suppose it's due to the trauma he put me through, but I'm a little fuzzy on dates here. Either his birthday is February 2nd and our anniversary was the 7th, or vice versa. I'm also extremely fuzzy when it comes to our divorce. I'm pretty sure it was in October. I know it was late in the year. But that's another story. Then there's February 9th – the date I had my heart attack in 2009. That date I'm certain of. I'm still fuzzy on the other 2 aforementioned dates. Which brings us to February 12. That's the date my mother died, 5 minutes before Friday the 13th. She almost made it to her and Dad's wedding anniversary on the 15th. February sucks, and so does cancer.

 I'm trying really hard to deal with my anxiety and depression. Sometimes these things are triggered for me and sometimes they just hit me for no reason. My feelings of inferiority start coming in, or I start worrying about what *could* happen. Sometimes I start thinking about what I *should've* done in this or that situation. Yes, I get the all-dreaded "coulda, woulda, shoulda". At other times I do the equally dreaded "comparing myself to others", be that other gamers, others of my chosen Spiritual path, other writers... I blame my past. I blame certain family members, most of my schoolmates, my ex-husband. Anyone who has known me long enough knows that I'm emotionally scarred by these people. I've certainly talked about it enough. Comparing myself to other writers is a problem... Yes, I know. Don't do that. I can't help be in awe, though, at how prolific some of these writers are. And I can't help but wish that I could be as prolific wi...

 I've always been at a loss as what to offer Thoth, but now I think I have a good idea of what to offer Him: my ttrpg character. Someone told me that He likes to be included in things, and one of my greatest joys is playing ttrpgs such as Dungeons & Dragons or Palladium. So why not dedicate my character to Him? It's something that would definitely be coming from my heart. I put a lot of myself, or rather, a lot of my ideal self, into this character. Her name is Lilith Angelica Addams, aka Lily aka Lily-Angel. I picked this name because many years ago I wanted to change my name to Lilith Angelica, and my nickname used to be Lily. As for the Addams surname... I've always felt like I should be part of the Addams Family. I've fictionalized my own history for her story. (As a side note here, we're using the Palladium system for this campaign.) Lily is a teenager who is just discovering that she is a Witch. I really think this campaign will be a lot of fun, if we can ...

 I've been having strange feelings today and I don't know what to make of them. It's all because of a dream I had and not knowing what it may have been trying to tell me. Let me preface this by saying that my Dad died many years ago. My mom died 10 years before him, and I have no siblings. My Dad was everything to me. I was completely devastated when he passed, as I was the one to find him in the backyard.  In my dream, Dad had disappeared. Apparently he knew his time was coming and he had wandered off. I'm not sure how long he was missing, nor do I know why there wasn't a search before this. I kept asking the police to help me find him. Either he was still alive somewhere or I needed to find his body to give him a proper burial. It was a very strange and disturbing dream - not knowing if my Dad was dead or alive, not knowing where he was. Now since waking up, I can't stop feeling the same emotions that I had in my dream. The whole "Is he out there somewher...

I wonder how many people have abandoned their New Year's resolutions already... I'll be honest here - I haven't done very well. One particular resolution, which will remain private, has been broken already. The rest of my resolutions haven't even gotten started yet. I'm giving myself a week to get started before I really start kicking myself over this. I want to post to my blog on a somewhat regular basis. This means, of course, breaking through this writer's block and coming up with interesting things to write about. This may be my most difficult resolution to keep. I want to write. I really do. I know that deep inside myself I am a writer. I just haven't been the same since I had my heart attack in 2009. It took my creativity away and I don't know how to get it back. This is why I thought I would blog. I thought this blog could be a sounding board of sorts for me.  Another resolution involves taking ALL of my meds. I am horrible at using my inhaler. I ...

This is personal and embarrassing and this makes me highly uncomfortable but I need to write this out anyway. Whether or not I publish this... I'm not sure yet. Might as well be blunt. I need a breast reduction for medical reasons. But surgeons don't like taking Medicaid for such things because, to be honest, they can charge more for other insurances and people who pay upfront. So I'm having no luck finding a surgeon who would be willing to help me. My PCP's office is trying to help me. They are working with Medicaid to see if they can find any surgeon will to do this. I'm so sick of this. I have constant back pain. This really is a medical necessity for me but the damned surgeons are just so greedy. All they care about is how much money they can make instead of worrying about actually helping someone in need. I really don't know what to do anymore. I had briefly thought about a GFM but I decided against it. I don't even know how much the surgery would cost....

Is there such a thing as starting your Craft over? I need to back up and refresh myself. My Practice has been so disrupted for so long that I'm not feeling like I'm getting anywhere. Part of this disruption is due to a number of circumstances beyond my control. Part of this is due to my health, both physical and mental. And part of this, I would assume, is due to my Catholic upbringing. I've called myself Pagan, Wiccan and a Witch for decades but I still feel like a novice. I don't feel like the Crone that I should be at my age. I got the Calling in the mid 80s. I had one mentor and one book. The internet wasn't a thing then and books were hard to come by where I lived. I no longer have that mentor but I have many books. Plus I have the internet and my many Witchy friends online. I have a wonderful support system, but I still feel like an imposter. I don't connect with my Deities the way that I feel like I should. I should clarify that I have this horrible habit...

 Where do I even begin? I've tried writing this before but the words just don't want to flow. I don't even have a subject to write about. I don't want to write about my hospital stay or my heart attack. Twitter already knows all about that. So does Hiero. So what do I write about? I've written about haunted houses that I've been in. I've written about my lack of self-confidence and self-esteem. I'm at a loss here. I haven't been following my practice. I haven't been praying or meditating. I haven't been making offerings. I feel so bad about this. I don't even know what to offer. Given my current circumstances I don't know if I can meditate. I'm going to try though. I have to do something to get back into things. Otherwise I'll start getting imposter syndrome really bad. The speakers on my laptop don't work now. And my headphones aren't reliable anymore. So that makes things difficult as well. There's always my phon...

 All of my life, ever since I was a child, I've lacked self-confidence and self-esteem. I never felt like I was good enough. Why? Certain family members, for one thing. They never seemed to believe in me. My mother was so controlling that I rarely got to make decisions for myself. Some of my other relatives were just as bad for my self-esteem. Nothing I did seemed good enough. Or, at least, that's how it came across to me. For another thing, the other kids at school. I never fit in with any of my classmates. I was the one who was made fun of, teased for any little thing. I was always picked on. They never gave me a chance. Knowing what I know now, I wish I could live that time over again and be a different person. I would just be quiet. I wouldn't say anything stupid. I would just... I don't know. But I wouldn't be the "me" that was.  This has spilled over into my adult life. I still feel like the misfit. I haven't talked to any of my family in years. ...

Have you ever been in a haunted house? I mean a real one, not the amusement ones. I have. The second time I was in a haunted house was terrifying. I'll save that story for last. The third one involved a house that a lady I knew was renovating. JoAnn was the mother of my then-boyfriend, Mike. I'll tell that story first. I was visiting with JoAnn while she was working on this house when she had to run an errand. I stayed behind with her dogs. To be honest, that house always seemed a little spooky to me. I always sensed that there was something there. I was sitting downstairs when I heard footsteps upstairs. Like I said, I was there alone with the dogs. You'd best believe that I got out of the house fast, taking the dogs out to the yard with me. When JoAnn returned I told her what had happened. Her response? "Oh that was probably…" and she proceeded to tell me about the man who used to live there. I think she said he died in that house. Apparently she used to know hi...

 So many things are happening at once and it's all put me back on my Path. I'm so happy! I'm making progress! First off, I received the Calling from Thoth. I firmly believe that it's because of Him that I'm writing again. After so much writer's block I ended up writing two poems in a week. That may not seem like much to some people but for me this is progress.  Speaking of Path progress, I cast a candle magick spell yesterday. I hadn't practiced my Craft in so long. I was nervous, and rusty, but I did it. I lit a blue chime candle with the purpose of healing my soul. As an offering to Thoth I read one of my new poems. I could feel and sense little motes of energy surround me, healing me! Also! I have made a new friend who has already helped me a lot on my Path. Perhaps I have found a Sensei? We'd known each other online but we finally met in person last week. After just one meeting I feel like I've known him forever. We have so much in common! I feel...

 I worry too much about certain things. I wish I had never been raised Catholic. Why can't I get over this? Why does it stick with me so much when I have not been Catholic for literally decades? I hate this so much. They have no right in baptizing little infants who cannot choose for themselves! I would never have chosen Catholicism for myself. I hated going to private parochial schools. Hated it! I don't want to be Catholic so why the fuck am I still stuck with all of this fucking guilt? They program this shit into you. If you are lucky you escape it. I guess I wasn't so lucky. I got out but the scars remain. 

  Finances mostly. OCD is making me obsess over things. Like stressing over being stressed. It’s a vicious circle. I want to replace my Dad's medals and ribbons. I'm stressing over that because it's so overwhelming. I don't have all of the information necessary. I need help with that. I at least know where to ask for help. So there's that. Just a matter of how much help can they give me.  I don't know when (if?) I'm getting my stimulus check. The IRS and SSA have been fucking over 30,000,000 million of us. My husband’s and son’s checks are in the mail, so there's that. Could arrive any day now. I want to get out of debt. I want to pay off <redacted> completely. I need this check badly. This stresses me out tremendously. Plus there's stuff that I don't "need" but I really want. Bastet perfume. Dragon Oracle deck. Witchy books. I don't think I'll be able to get the tattoo that I want. I want to get back into Magic: The Gathe...

  From Monday, July 17, 2017 To, but not including, Thursday, November 1, 2018 Result: 472 days Or 1 year, 3 months, 15 days  Or 15 months, 15 days  -- Alternative time units -- 472 days can be converted to one of these units: 40,780,800 seconds 679,680 minutes 11,328 hours 472 days 67 weeks and 3 days That's how long my family and I spent in the Hell known as Haven House, a homeless shelter that serves approximately 14 counties in southern Indiana. To this day I'm still working through the trauma from that place.  Where do I even begin? The whole experience was so traumatic to me. I was an only child and was never around this many people. On any given night there were over 100 people there. Some were alcoholics. Some were on drugs. There were families. Some of the children were okay but the vast majority were horribly undisciplined. I was separated from my husband and son because, for safety reasons, the men were on a different floor th...

I used to have arachnophobia really, REALLY bad. However, I did have a morbid fascination with tarantulas. I have no idea why. Then one day I was at a certain pet shop that happened to sell tarantulas. I stood there for awhile watching this beautiful female rosehair. (The clerk had told me what she was.) I told the clerk about my arachnophobia and morbid fascination with tarantulas. He asked me if I wanted to hold her. He said that the female rosehairs were very gentle. I don't know what possessed me but I ended up saying yes. He placed the tarantula on the back of my hand and she started to walk around. She was so so soft! I don't know why that surprised me. I mean, you can look at a tarantula and see the fur. After the clerk put the tarantula away he asked me if I wanted to hold a black scorpion. Nope! I wasn't that brave. I just did not have to same courage with the scorpion as I did with the tarantula. I don't know why. I think looking at its tail really intimidated...

 It hurts me to admit that my family was in a homeless shelter, aka Hell, from July 17, 2017 to November 1, 2018, but there we were due to some unscrupulous slumlord whom I will never forgive. But that's a different story. At the time we were in the shelter it was owned by a woman that I'll call Bev. It has since changed ownership and has hopefully improved. Bev had to sell the place because she and one of her employees were both embezzling and Bev couldn't pay a sewer bill that had risen to over $20,000. Bev had 2 employees who worked at the shelter during the day, throughout the week. One was the aforementioned embezzler. The other one was apparently cooking the books as well. But I digress. There was also staff chosen from among the residents. Some of these staff members left something to be desired, but that's just my own personal opinion of them. When we got to the shelter we went through an intake process, which was to be expected. Then we were separated. For safe...

Just a little train-of-thought exercise, trying to get over this damn writer's block that I've had for far too long. I used to write a lot. I wrote articles for a newsletter. I wrote poetry. I never have written a story though. I started one once but it never went anywhere. I'd love to publish something someday... if I can get over this damn writer's block. I can't even keep my blog going on a regular basis. This honestly hurts me. I want to write. I really do. I want to play DnD. I want to have a long term campaign but something always stops us. (My gaming group is my family.)  We have an opportunity to play with another family online. It should be a lot of fun. I just hope my family can get the right characters. Some of us *cough* have trouble sticking with an idea. I already know what I want to play. I want to play a High Elf who is either a Necromancer (Philosopher kit) or a Wizard (Witch kit). I hope our DM allows the Philosopher. It's *supposed* to be for ...